Monday, 23 September 2013
Weight Loss Tips Gone Bad
No one wakes up in the morning and says, 'I want to gain 150 pounds and I will start right now.'
Weight and body oppression is oppressive to everyone. When you live in a society that says that one kind of body is bad and other is good, those with "good" bodies constantly fear that their bodies will go "bad", and those with "bad" bodies are expected feel shame and do everything they can to have "good" bodies. In the process, we torture our bodies, and do everything from engage in disordered eating and all manner of diets in order to shed excess weight or become like someone else.
Walking back home from the pharmacy, I stopped to buy a roasted pear. I had just paid and was counting my change when the pear trader decided to share incredible words of wisdom, words that turned out to become a long list of traditional herbs I couldn't pronounce.
It wouldn't be the first time a total stranger walked up to me and proffered solutions to my obvious weight issue.
I've battled with discussing much less mentioning my failed weight loss attempt, but I know there are people who share my struggle.
It's not as though I haven't tried some of these solutions or come up with my own strategy; from starving, to just eating protein fruits and veggies, I even enrolled at the gym. But somehow I get fed up when I notice little or no change and end up gaining more weight than I lost.
I marvel sometimes at the weird tips and advice I've received on a number of occasions. You wouldn't believe the kind of "solution" I've been should I say unfortunate to hear.
For instance, I was getting my nails done once and the lady told me about some "magic" pills, the downside is I can't be with a man while on the pills. What kind of weight medication restricts someone's sexual activity? I was even more suspicious because between I and the said adviser, I wasn't sure whose physique was presentable.
I've been told that if I want to shed weight I should engage in vigorous sexual activities at least 5 times a week, I have to words
The 'last straw' was when a Lady asked me to buy a certain Indian powder, according to her, all I had to do was to inhale the powder and I'll be surprised with the results. I had to ask her whether she was trying to sell cocaine to me.
I have however embarked on another mission to shed some weight, if at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again, right!
Running Naked With a Broom
Today my quest is for a natural pest control method to deter deer from devouring my gardens, preferably without sophisticated fencing or expensive pest control services. Or by enrolling in a weaponry class. I jest. Sort of.
The first time deer pranced onto the property I tripped over the dog to grab the camera. Cute, white tails, sweet little faces leisurely nibbling on the brambles. You'd think I'd witnessed an alien landing.
In short time these skinny-legged hoarders developed fancier palates. They treated my well-tended flower and vegetable beds as their personal farm stand while leaving a trail of dung my pooch found disturbingly tasty.
Being mindful our civilization invaded their homeland and created sub-divisions, I sought organic and responsible methods to shoo these tick bearing delinquents off my highly-taxed property. Shooting deer is against my HOA's policy. If caught, of course. I jest. Sort of.
Suggestions tried to no avail:
Rotten Egg Cocktail
I cite the following from a recent magazine blurb entitled, Keep Deer Away. "Pouring or spraying a 'rotten egg' cocktail around your plants will keep deer from eating them. Just mix six raw eggs in two gallons of water and let it sit outside for a week. The smell will keep Bambi at bay". And apparently people. I haven't received mail in a month.
Soap-on-a-Rope
A neighbor suggested hanging Dial soap on a rope. This explains the strange-looking wind chimes on his trees and the interesting scent that wafts through the neighborhood on a breezy day. Surely this violates the HOA's use of offensive or tacky lawn ornaments, however garden gnomes are acceptable.
Dried Blood
An internet search found the scent of dried blood offends deer. Really? For the record, this offends me too. I'll assume the dried blood is a garden variety and not the lawn carnage we find from "survival of the fitness" competitions between the coyotes and the rabbits. Yeah, we got those too. There's a bonus. Sprinkling dried blood adds nitrogen to the soil which makes hosta plants grow big and strong, which attracts the deer. Ah, the circle of life.
Those methods along with soapy water, oils and pepper sprays only goaded the ungrateful varmints to snicker behind my back.
But yesterday: Success!
Wrapped in a towel after my shower, I sipped a cup of coffee while admiring my newly replanted flowers. And then: "Four for the salad bar please". Snarky. I jumped the dog, grabbed a broom and ran up the driveway. My crazy eyes and screams drew attention as I waved the broom like a samurai sword and shocked the beasts back into the woods.
Momentarily elated, I quickly chilled to the airstream against my bare skin, and my neighbor, standing still, a deer in the headlights, gripping his soap on a rope.
I trampled the flowers in my hasty escape, forever to be known as the woman who violated the HOA policy by running naked with a broom. I jest. Sort of.
Stephanie Dell is a humorist (in her own mind) who writes unfair and unbalanced commentary on social living experiences. She left her longtime career in marketing and promotions to pursue a writing career and hopes to become a famous author before she dies, which could be any day now. She blogs at http://www.dogandabeer.com.
Sunday, 22 September 2013
Physicist Proves Watched Kettles Do Boil!
They say a watched kettle never boils, but Irish Physicist Eamon Glasscock has set out to disprove this theory and made some other remarkable discoveries on the way.
Glasscock, 26, a post-doctoral Research Fellow at the University of Wollongong in Dubai, has spent a lifetime fascinated by things that get hot.
"As a child I loved to switch on the electric fire just to watch it glow and get hot," he explained. "Even in the height of summer I would switch it on, but that was only to be expected in Ireland!"
"It drove my parents insane," he added with a wink.
As part of his research Glasscock had to convert part of his laboratory into a mock kitchen.
"We got a grant from the government and some help from the Engineering Department. So we were able to add a base unit with a sink, some wall cupboards and a worktop nicely finished in imitation marble. We also bought a kettle to watch," confided the Scientist.
As part of his research Glasscock would fill the kettle with water, or H2O as Scientists call it, and then switch it on. He would then sit and observe what happens.
"It was my belief from the start that the 'watched kettle never boils' brigade were anti-Science. However I found that in 100% of cases the kettle did boil even though I was watching it."
In order to add a fair test to his experiments Glasscock called on the assistance of his fellow countryman Eamon Hire Ph.D., a Zoologist from County Meath, to repeat the experiment. Dr. Hire found the same consistent set of results. To further test his theory Glasscock purchased two further kettles from different manufacturers.
"In my paper recently submitted to The Physics Review of Ireland I have been able to state quite clearly that a watched kettle does boil," declared Glasscock.
As a further discovery Glasscock and hire also found that using boiled water to make endless cups of coffee can cause palpitations and constipation, not a great combination.
"We've applied to the University for a Further Research Grant to study this phenomenon," elucidated Dr. Hire.
The two researchers also spoke briefly about the application to study bears in America, Russia and China.
"We would like to establish the facts behind the age old question of where the Ursines defecate," clarified Dr. Glasscock.
Meanwhile David Cameron, the English Prime Minister, commented on the research.
"We never had kettles at Eton," he put into the plain words of a working man, "though we did have our own woods with our own Conservative Bears. That's why we won the First World War."
Spoof comedy writing. If you want more visit http://www.fairyhanny.com and give feedback!!!!
Friday, 20 September 2013
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